Navigating disagreement during the festive season

Christmas is a thing of beauty. There are few occasions that galvanise social gatherings like the birth of Jesus. But as we congregate with friends and family to mark the season, the unity we’re supposed to be basking in can often feel, well, ununified. Far from a moment of collective wonder at the gift of Christ’s birth, the Christmas table can quickly descend into discord with booze-soaked debates and passive-aggressive cracker pulling. 

Even the most harmonious of families runs the risk of a falling out at Christmas. Preparation for the day comes with its fair share of stress. The kitchen team (often a team of one) is expected to deliver an eight-part roast dinner with timings that only the mathematical mind of Rachel Riley would be able to keep on top of. Alcohol often flows pre-lunch, meaning empty stomachs and light heads. Then you’ve got the collection of family members; from your student cousin who’s recently started experimenting with blue hair dye and attended a sit-in on campus in protest of non-electrical vehicles to your great-aunt who, for someone who believes “you can’t say anything these days,” says an awful lot. All this to the soundtrack of screaming children, hyped up on presents and the Terry’s Chocolate Orange from their stocking. 

Here are four things that I think will minimise (but not eliminate) your chances of conflict this year: 

Be prepared to disagree well 

In a world where the media stokes the fires of division and an “othering” of people who don’t agree with you, Christmas day is a minefield of dangerous conversations. There will be people sitting around the table who don’t agree with you on many topics. You can try to avoid any political subject, but it’s often not in your hands. Rather than white-knuckling it through the meal, hoping no one mentions politics, why not be prepared with a loving response? 

Vehemently stating and restating your own views does nothing to persuade others–if anything, it encourages others to double-down on their own perspectives. Instead, I suggest allowing the person the floor, thanking them for their opinions, saying that you don’t completely agree but that it’s interesting to hear someone else’s perspective. Then, rather than continuing with the topic, divert towards how we can deal with it well when we’re not aligned. You could try turning to another person and asking, “How do you deal with conflicting views at work?” While the individual topics may divide us, ironically the topic of division is often unifying. There are very few people who think that a divided world is a preferable one.  

Don’t drink too much 

If there’s someone around the table who grinds your gears, do yourself a favour and stay away from the alcohol. There is no better recipe for losing your cool and completely letting loose than when you’ve had a few glasses. I know that Christmas is often associated with fizz and port and other luxury tipples, but Jesus came for peace on earth, not regrettable declarations made with slurred voices.  

Get out of the house 

Preferably, you would do this twice – once on your own and once as a family. A short solo walk or a run (if you’re that way inclined) can help you feel calmer and restore your patience when it’s being tested. An additional post-meal family walk can release the valve on the pressure-cooker environment created by family packed into a house all day.  

Don’t put too much pressure on the day 

The build up to Christmas is so extreme that when it comes it can all feel a bit overwhelming and disappointing. Try to allow the day not to go as planned. There are too many variables, dishes and people for you to control, so I suggest you don’t. You can’t stop someone expressing a contentious opinion, so sigh it out and let chaos reign.  

Take moments to connect with God through prayer – even just a two second breath prayer if that’s all you can manage.

When all is said and done, you can only take responsibility for your own responses, so do your best not to rise to the bait, to take breaks and invite in some of those delicious fruits of the spirit (peace, joy love, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control) that prevent us from wringing each other’s necks.  

Lauren Windle is a journalist, presenter, public speaker and author of three books:  Notes on Love: Being single and dating in a marriage obsessed Church,  Notes on Feminism: Being a woman in a Church led by men and Drawing as Prayer. She is published in Vogue, Marie Claire, Church Times, Premier Christianity and others. Lauren has been clean and sober from drug and alcohol addiction for eleven incredible years, thanks to Jesus.